Overdrive Ducking Chair


Heretics, heathens and blasphemers eventually found their final moments to be sat in one of the ODC’s: a sophisticated literal ‘hot seat’ engineered to send the occupant straight to Hell – unless, of course, they were free of sin.

A man may be judged upon the nature of his heart. The innocent will poses a heart that is true, with a love of God that will be reciprocated by the Divine Creator himself.

A man of ill will has a heart so corrupt it fouls the very land and souls of all good folk nearby.

It is this scientific principle that is ingeniously put to use within the mechanism of the Overdrive Ducking Chair. First the chair must be placed on a suitable patch of frozen water (usually one of the top quadrant northern lakes, as they have perfect conditions for 80% of the year), with the accused restrained within the chair by the ‘Harness of Hope’. Heart activity is then monitored and carefully assessed to be of good or bad intent; heat from the torso is transferred through the arms of the harness and down to the tip of the single leg, or ‘Spike of Contention’, that supports the chair.

The principle is effective: if the heat is sufficient at the tip of the leg to melt the ice then the chair and seated defendant will eventually plummet through to the freezing water below and drown. If there is insufficient heat to melt the ice then the defendant is clearly innocent and will be released from the harness.

Sometimes the practise of obtaining the correct result will take several attempts to find a suitably thin area of ice. If the layer beneath the point of the leg is too thick then a fair trial cannot be performed.

To date, only a single man has proved his innocence with the chair. After three days of continuous chair relocations, the Master of the Pickaxe finally had to concede that not one inch of Butterfall Lake was suitable to use. And hence it clearly was a mistake to have put Mr. S on trial; his telltale neighbour was fortunate enough to provide a good drop and drowning the following week.

A near perfect success rate that the Ducking Chair provides is sure to guarantee its use for years to come – and with the rise in tourism catering for the larger ducking events it shouldn’t be too long before we see the first multi ducking competitions.

2 Responses to “Overdrive Ducking Chair”

  1. p3lb0x said:

    What a brilliant way to get rid of heathens 😀

  2. admin said:


    Thanks for the correction, p3lb0x.