Codex Transportica

“The well-known eccentric, Dr Aloysius Chomestoru stands proudly beside his latest Hamster Rail with ‘HIGH-23’, friendly name Hibert. The Rail in question is a standard Spherodon Tri-Bearing with tilt-shift steering controls; except of course the propulsion unit seems to have been replaced with a giant rodent.”

So ran the small, slightly sarcastic piece of local news in an early April edition of the Times, profiling a man who has subsequently become the byword for creating extreme mutations of common animals to serve his purposes.

In this case, the animal in question is of course no ordinary rodent.
This is the T23: cross-bred, irradiated, hormone injected and genetically engineered to produce the Hyper Intelligent Giga-Hamster, or HIGH for short.

Due to its publication on the 1st of April, many readers mistakenly believed the entire article was sheer puffery and were shocked to discover that Hibert and his Master were alive, well and clocked at 97 mph on the M1 motorway at Cricklewood. Officers at the scene were persuaded not to issue formal proceedings against Dr Chomestru when Hibert himself explained that he didn’t realise he was running that fast, he just wanted to get home for his nuts. Disbelief ensued and Dr Chomestoru was let off with a caution, and warned not to play any more practical jokes involving ventriloquy. (Of course, it was later proven that this episode was not as it seemed: see footnote)

As it turned out, this entire stunt served admirably to promote Dr Chomestoru’s stunning telepathic developments. Shown here modelling his “Type II Electro-Neuro-Chapeau” he conclusively proved it was possible to communicate with another consciousness using the human mind alone (2 type AA batteries required) and Hibert was the first of many such creatures to achieve a new and much deeper bond with their owners.

Once the principles had been proven, telepathic research developed apace, and in a very short time it was demonstrated that many types of “techlepathy” were indeed feasible, including remote reading, thought control, and ultimately, the ability to send small objects back in time, if a suitably receptive subject were located in the past. (Class 3 clearance is now required to view the tragic case of “The Innocent Bystander’s Rapture In Transportica.”)

Almost overnight, the good doctor became a household name (even though most people were unable to pronounce it) and although unkind observers have been heard to note that as time goes by he has come to resemble a hamster himself, Dr Chomestoru was a benefactor of many charities, and generally liked.

As for Hibert, he became something of a celebrity himself, with televised appearances and playing small roles in various films. With his fortune assured, he finally opened a health club (the Hamster Wheel with its literally revolutionary running equipment).

In later years he was much more reclusive, although everyone will remember the scandal of his court case: suing a well-known plastic surgeon over a failed Botox treatment for sagging cheek pouches.

Footnote: the so-called “Clever Hans” effect, or, in this case perhaps, “Clever Hamster” was widely touted as the explanation for Hibert’s so-called intelligence. But in fact he did possess a considerable intellect of his own and was deemed autonomous by the legal authorities.